Today I want to write about something so dear to me that I do not speak of it. It is sacred to me and I have chosen NOT to throw my pearls before the ones who would trample them. I want to dedicate this to the ones who have lost their babies. I am NOT a writer, but I know that everything I have been given in life is a gift and that I should be faithful with it…and this is my first attempt!
I Live it, I dream it, I re-live it, I breathe it, most days I try to pretend it isn’t true…. and I find hope and safety in the God of the Universe EVERY TIME! Hope comes to everyone in a different shape and size, but if there is one thing that gives me hope it is NEW LIFE!
But what happens when that hope is taken away from you? Do you remember WHO gives YOU life and breath? Or do you only remember that HE took Life and Breath from you, that He could have stopped THIS and He chose to let you suffer! WHY! WHYY!?!? WHYYYYY!?!?!?!?!? I thought He was GOOD? But He isn’t. I thought He gave life? But He took it away instead. I thought He was righteous and holy and WE were His children? What about promises in the Bible, are they not true? This doesn’t seem good, and right, and promising!
7 years ago, on this very day, when LIFE should have been taking place, and the happiest moments of our lives happening (again!), we were privileged to welcome death. Dreams were shattered. Hope was crushed. Life was taken. Our guts felt like they were ripped out of us. There was NOTHING right about this. These things DON’T happen to US…….. But it did. Abigail Grace Sharp - December 1st, 2006. That’s what happened. 2 days away from my EDD (estimated due date) and she was taken from us. We had a funeral for our very own baby on her EDD. It just didn’t seem right. Or real. It was the hardest thing I had ever walked through in my life. “I” had taken LIFE for granted. I wanted to go back a couple of days and re-feel those last kicks. I wanted to be a better “bed-rester” so maybe this could have been prevented. I wanted to KNOW that my placenta wasn’t providing adequate nutrition and oxygen, so that I could DO something about it. I wanted to get a 2nd opinion from a doctor I felt actually CARED.
I.FAILED. My body failed. My baby starved and GOD.LET.HER. What a cruel and unGODly thing to do.
The days and weeks that followed are blurry, I don’t remember much about it. I DO however remember people saying some of the most hurtful things because they felt like they had to “say” something rather than just cry with me. You know, “All things work together for good for those that love God” felt like they didn’t really care. “You can always try again” REALLY felt like they didn’t value what I was living. “You have to get up, suck it up, and get on with life” … this IS life, can YOU.NOT.SEE?! It seemed that no one knew how to come over and cry WITH me, but rather tried to FIX me. It’s hard to know what to do, I get that! It’s uncomfortable. We don’t know how to provide quiet strength to a person who’s hurting. Time does heal, I believe that. But the healing I have received has been realizing that God (my Father) WAS watching out for me that day. He DID take care of my baby. She IS right there with HIM dancing and playing and worshipping, what a BETTER life! Sometimes in my selfishness, I wish her back here so I could hug and kiss, and tickle her, and smell her, and know her, but I would not take away the LIFE that was brought about in ME as a result of walking through this process, EVER. Today I am thankful for a God who takes us into his bosom and comforts us even when we believe He isn’t good. I realize today that my perception of God 7 years ago was that “He is God, and I am a Christian, and somewhere the two shall meet”! Today, I KNOW that HE , at the end of the day, allows EVERYTHING. He IS God, but He is also MINE. He DOES allow things to happen, it’s called LIFE, but He GIVES us Himself! End of story. It DOES rain on the righteous and the unrighteous, the sun DOES rise on the evil and the good. He saw the strength that I didn’t know I had and He helped me find it. He believes in me. He knew that I have something to give and that I wouldn’t have otherwise had a reason to give it! The scripture that I stood on for that whole nine months of pregnancy is only today brought back to my memory in a new light. “He who began a good work in you, will complete it” that’s how I claimed that scripture over my body and my baby. But in reality, I was asking the Father and reminding Him that “I am confident of this one thing, that He who began a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ” Phil. 1:6. He IS completing a work in ME and this was part of the process. I won’t be finished until He returns for me, but I’m being worked on every minute of every day! This is just one example of how my perception changed.
It’s not always easy to believe that God’s plans for you are good, or that HE is good, but even when we’re fighting the very thing we know to be true… He is right beside us, walking through it with us, carrying us when we’re too weak to go on. His heart breaks with ours. And his heart rejoices with ours!
So, 7 years ago today began the hardest season of my life. But today I can see a bigger picture, one that has brought about life changing ideas of who Christ is, and who this God, that I serve, IS TO ME! And you know what the number 7 represents in the Bible? Perfection and Completion! I don’t believe this is a chapter that will be closed, I can, however, breathe and I do have hope in a Creator who not only creates us, but lives every minute WITH us! I can look to give strength to those who are hurting, because HE gave me strength! I can hope that through my experience I will be able to offer hope and that if One life is given to a greater purpose because of our story, then it WASN’T in vain.